Frustrations...

Hello everyone. I hope this reading finds you and yours safe and sound in these times of total chaos around the entire world. I hope and wish that for everyone every day.

The feel of this post will be a bit different than the "usual," at least to me. Maybe a little whiney or darker, but these thoughts have been in my head for a while now. Maybe talking about them will work out some of those demons. We shall see...

If you happen to follow me on Facebook, from time to time you may have noticed a post from me saying something like, "I wish I knew what I want to be when I grow up." Something like that. To most who know me, they might think I was trying to be silly or goofy. To be honest, whenever I post something like that, 90%  of the time (or more) it is truly how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my life. I have zero complaints about my personal life or relationships. My marriage and my kids and outside of work life are great! I could not ask for more. What I am talking about is more along the lines of work... Or what am I supposed to be doing. That is a source of more frustration to me than I like to admit. As egotistical as it may sound, I feel like I am supposed to be doing something... else, something... more, something... bigger. This SO hard to put into words without sounding like a total egotistical ass. Somehow there is this underlying feeling I am supposed to be doing something grand and meaningful and helpful that would be a possible help to a lot of people, but I have NO idea what that is. Does that mean I believe I should be well known or famous? Not necessarily, no. At least I don't think so. It's more along the lines of just being known as someone who cares and can and will help when asked. I'm no doctor or actor or anything that can affect so many people quickly. I'd be happy to affect one life at a time. Like Sam Beckett in the TV show Quantum Leap. But so far... It just doesn't feel like that is being achieved. There is something missing. Some feeling that isn't there. The problem is I have ZERO idea what that feeling is or how it is supposed to feel, so the frustration is two-sided. The feeling is not there AND I have no idea what it is to try to help reach it. That, my friends, is the definition of frustration.

I try hard to fight the feeling. Live in and enjoy the moment, and sometimes I am successful. Other times I put on a good mask and even fool myself. Then other times I fail horribly. It is absolutely maddening in a frustrating kind of way. Being out of work and losing my job due to Covid is adding to those frustrations. It is making me think more about it and try hard to find what it is that is missing on the professional front, but that gets even more frustrating since I don't know what I am looking for. The entire situation is feeding on itself. Lately it is coming to a head... To be more precise, it is entering my head a lot lately. Affecting my moods and all. NO one needs to catch hell from me because I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. Least of all my family because they have stood by me 100% of the way and support every decision I make. See why I don't have am issue there at all?  

In some ways, I believe it is just turning into a massive self-pity party. Why? Because I see friends and family and others doing things and enjoying what they are doing and looking fulfilled. Right now I have none of that. That hurts emotionally. Almost to the point that it is physical pain. If you understand what I just said, I am sorry. It means you have been on this road and know what I mean. If you have no idea what I meant, I hope and pray you NEVER have to feel this level of frustration and frustrated anger. I am quite sure that many have felt this way with their lives too. I just find that, for me, writing my feelings down helps make it feel a bit better.

Thank you all for reading this far. If you have, you've been listening. That is important my friends. Things will get better. I am sure of that. Maybe, just maybe, some day I will find that missing piece and finish that part of the puzzle of my life.

Live long and prosper, my friends.