"When I was ten, I thought my parents knew everything. When I became twenty, I was convinced they knew nothing. Then, at thirty, I realized I was right when I was ten."
These last few days I have been kind of thinking along those lines. Being over 50 now, I can look back and say that the quote is very, very true. At least mostly. Granted, no one, including parents, knows everything. That is a given. But as teens and into our 20's, it seems that we silly humans seem to think that life experience means nothing. This is so shown in the things we might have said back then, and can still hear from the youth today. Things like,
"They have no idea what its like to be young here and now""They will never understand because they are not me.""They need to quit trying to tell me what to do because things are so different today."
Things like that. I know I said similar things a lot. These days I think maybe too much. It is true that our parents grew up in a different time than we did, just as my kids and grand kids are growing up in a different time than me. What I have started to realize is that the details change, but the underlying strands of life are very similar. Contrary to popular belief of the current generation of youth.
Since the passing of my mother a couple of months ago, I am starting to realize what I have lost. A treasure trove of information and life experience that I had literally at my beck and call. I felt the same way when my father died in back in 1986, but I was IN that arrogant period at the time. I had just turned 22 when he died. I thought there was no way my parents could ever know or understand my situation, so I just let it slide thinking my Mom would be there when and if I needed her. . . and it kept on sliding and sliding and sliding until that trove of information that included the tiny little details of my life and my family was gone. Literally. And it only took me 30 years and mom's death to realize it. How silly and sad and totally stupid is that? There is so so so much I could have learned had I quit taking myself so seriously thinking they could never understand or fathom things. Could have thought that maybe, just maybe, my parents had gone through some of the same things I was going through and might have a little insight that could be useful. Maybe be able to shed some light. Look at things from an angle I'd never thought about. Explained how they handled a similar situation. Or even just sat back and listened and acted as a sounding board with some sage advice thrown in here and there. Due to what I consider my own self-centered stupidity and blindness, I had to wait until my parents died before I figured that out. All that knowledge and history and details of MY life from even before I was born. . . Gone. How very sad.
I am sure that my parents felt the same way I do now, but I was too blinded my my own self to see it.
I wish and hope that our kids know that they can come and talk with us, myself and my wife, together or individually. I hope they know they can pick our brains and ask questions and get advice about pretty much anything. And I DO mean advice, not rules and regulations and orders to do this or that. All of our kids are basically grown-ups now. Our youngest is going to be 18 in the not too distant future, the oldest is over 30. I hope all of them realize that, even though we grew up in a different time, a lot of the lessons we learned can be used by them today, at least in some form. I am sure of that. What I am afraid of is that if they do ask us questions and we give them the answers that are from our heart and our experiences, that they will look at that as us preaching at them, or telling them how they should react, or telling them what they should do, or something like that. That isn't how we work. Honestly, the answers might sound preachy sometimes. Especially if the question or situation we are talking about is an especially deep one. Questions about things like love, relationships, kids, sex, money. . . the deeper issues that can cause the deepest hurt and the biggest scars. Pain points and scars that we have inside us from situations similar to theirs. Situations that sometimes might be hard for us to put into words for any number of reasons. Ones that may still move us to tears or fits of laughter or a bright blush. Maybe even, in some cases, talking around wounds that are still trying to heal within us. That mixed with the protectiveness that we possess because we are their parents might make it sound like we are preaching or dictating, but honestly we aren't. We want what is best for our kids. We want them to make their own decisions, but we also try to keep them from having the same hurts and scars that we might have. The parent in us makes us sound preachy and bossy but we are not trying to be. We are just trying to warn them what could be coming and hopefully keep them from getting hurt.
There is a lot of truth in the saying, "When a child hurts, the parent hurts." As I've gotten older I have come to realize that the reverse is what we as parents are trying to head off. We do NOT want to say, "When a parent hurts, a child hurts."
The thing I am trying to get at is this. . . Those of you that are younger, open the lines of communication with your parents (and grandparents if you are lucky enough to still have them around). Ask questions. Get advice. Ask if they had similar situations and then LISTEN to what they have to say. Take and move on what you feel you can and file the rest away for future reference. You might find that somewhere along the way your parents share a lot of similar feelings and memories and situations as you have, even if the timing was different. Don't miss out on the possibility of getting any questions answered or just to get information about you and your family. . . Those of you in the older generations, listen too. Offer advice, impart experience and assist any way you can, but don't order around or preach. Let your children find their own way using your knowledge and experience as a guide. Be a TEAM, not just a bunch of individuals that think you know what is happening and nothing else matters. Work and discover together. You won't regret it.
I wish I had done that. . .
Love, light, and live long and prosper!
